A Guide to Understanding Your Friends with ADHD
I joke that everyone should come with a user manual.
I have ADHD, and I believe that if I had a guidebook for friends, dates, and partners (since I recently became single after a long-term relationship), this could be a chapter in it.
This post was originally called “A Note to Current and Future Friends and Romantic Partners.” Then I thought I should add “Colleagues.” After that, I started another post for romantic partners. Everything you will read here applies to them, but there are sections of the human user manual that apply exclusively to romanticly intimate relationships, so it deserves its own chapter. Honestly, I’ve changed the title at least three times and wish I could split-test a blog post like I can a newsletter subject line.
I'm fortunate that some of my closest people also have ADHD, especially my female friends. I understand them deeply. Men with ADHD might behave differently than women with ADHD; knowing about their ADHD helps me see them with understanding and compassion, even when they annoy me.
So, here are a few key things to understand about me and others with ADHD. Your mileage may vary.
1.) I/we experience object impermanence, also known as "out of sight, out of mind”
Friends: While our friendship is meaningful to me, sometimes, if I don't see you often in my social media feed or forget to interact with certain friends, I might unintentionally overlook reaching out. Thoughts of contacting you may come and go quickly, replaced by other distractions. I may not always take the initiative to make plans.
Occasionally, after a period of silence, I may reach out to you during tough times, feeling a bit awkward because of the gap in communication. Some may assume, "They only contact me when they need something," but with ADHD individuals like me, it's not deliberate, I assure you!
I don't mean to take advantage of our friendship or only value it when in need. It's just that while you hold a special place in my heart, you may not always be at the forefront of my mind. I apologize for this. Your empathy and understanding are deeply appreciated.
2.) If neither you nor I choose a specific meeting time and it's not on my calendar, it doesn't happen
I recently saw a post shared on Instagram that said,
“Adult friendship is always saying “we need to hangout soon then suddenly a year has gone by.”
Magnify that for people with ADHD.
Those of us with ADHD need to work harder to make hangouts happen.
Without a specific plan detailing the location and time to meet, our discussions about getting together can drag on for months without any solid arrangements.
This struggle relates to object permanence, as well as difficulties with planning, forgetfulness, and various other traits associated with ADHD. Picture two friends, both with ADHD, attempting to schedule a hangout. At times, I may think, "Since they also have ADHD, I'll take the lead, or it may never happen." While I might fear coming off as pushy or overly intense, deep down, I understand that they will likely appreciate the gentle reminders if they truly want to meet up. While typing this, I remembered that I need to follow up with a friend who has ADHD.
3.) I might be on time, often late, and sometimes early.
I sometimes joke that the day of my birth was one of the few times I was ever early for anything.
I’m consistently inconsistent, but more often than not, I am late.
We finally make plans, and the time comes. I map my route and leave extra time. But then I think I have enough time to do one more thing (”one more thing” is officially known as “time blindness,” a hallmark of ADHD), or I change my outfit more than once or decide that I need to put on more makeup because eyeliner looks nice, but eyeliner and MASCARA look nicer.
If my dog is at my house, her needs must be met before I leave. Her needs include a “bathroom” walk, and she might need to be fed. Sometimes I spend too much time on our walk urging her to poop when clearly, she doesn’t need to. If you own a dog, you understand.
Before I leave home, I do the “Where’s my phone?” dance (object impermanence). It happens less often since I moved from a two-floor house to a one-bedroom apartment, but there are many places it can be left. I occasionally use the phone-finding feature on my fitness wristband. Today, while I was in the living room/home office, I couldn’t find my phone. I panicked, thinking that I dropped it. I forgot that when I got home from grocery shopping, I plugged my phone into the quick charge in the bedroom.
I don’t plan enough commute time. I miss the bus or forget to schedule buffer time for the next form of transportation (for example, bus to subway). The bus gets stuck in traffic. I misread the time. The transit app is wrong, and so forth.
Whatever the reason, the best-laid plans go awry, and I show up 10-25 minutes late.
Early?
Sometimes, I’m early.
Here’s an example scenario: Getting ready took less time than expected. I skipped the shower (I passed the stink check). I caught the bus on schedule – the app and map were right! I snuck out while the dog slept. Everything fell into place. However, it's not perfect, as I find myself not just on time but half an hour early.
A recent mid-week office day example:
I got up with enough time to exercise, scrolled my fitness app and realized that I would either be early for work or late because I wouldn’t have the exact amount of time needed to exercise, shower, make coffee, etc.
In the end, I did two workouts (11-minute yoga + 14-minute Pilates). I was 10 minutes later to the office than my usual start time… and it had nothing to do with the workouts. I rushed out the door “late”, coffee in hand and lunch in my backpack because I no longer had an appropriate bra for the dress I chose to wear. I changed my bra twice before thinking, “Screw it, I’m choosing a different dress.” I probably said it out loud because I talk to myself out loud ALL THE TIME. (Dab an ADHD Bingo card square if you do too.)
That all said, although being late makes me anxious, arriving early can also be stressful. When I arrive ahead of time, I concern myself with waiting. Occasionally, I find myself feeling bored. However, this feeling fades quickly because I understand lateness. Statements like, “People who are late for meetings don’t respect time.” are offensive. We do our best. I’d rather give myself and others grace than stress about it.
If I’m meeting up with a friend who, like me, has ADHD or anxiety, I don’t text them to tell them I’m early, not even an “I just got here, I’ll grab a table,” because I don’t want them to feel anxious about keeping me waiting. Not long ago (but probably longer than it feels), I managed to make and execute brunch plans with a friend who has ADHD with anxiety. I didn’t tell her that I planned to arrive at the restaurant a half hour early in case there was a lineup. I told her when she sat down. I didn’t want her to think she needed to rush. (Same friend I need to follow up with, BTW. I should pause this post to do it.)
If I’m early, I always have reading material on my phone and there’s always social media to scroll.
4.) I might accidentally ghost you
I might disappear for some time. Because of object impermanence, I might forget that you texted me, and I won’t text you back. I’m sorry!! If you don’t hear back from me in a few days, it’s okay to follow up. I encourage it.
I might accidentally ghost you, but if you do that to me, it could trigger my Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and core abandonment wound. I’ve done a lot of positive work on that, but our wounds open from time to time. It’s part of being human.
5.) We with ADHD interrupt with random thoughts
I aim to avoid being impolite or appearing self-absorbed, making it all about myself. My friends with ADHD are understanding of this behaviour, and we all do it! We share a mutual understanding. We often drift off-topic during conversations and jump from one topic to another without finishing any previous stories or resolving the issue being discussed. There are moments when I subtly steer the discussion back on track if a friend goes on a tangent, appreciating it when others do the same for me. Still, tangents can be fun! It can be a bit frustrating when these tangents occur at crucial points in a story, leaving us with a cliffhanger that we hope someone will remember to revisit.
Sometimes, I find myself sitting on my hands or biting my tongue to avoid interrupting.
6.) At times, my emotional capacity tank gets full
This one is for friends and romantic partners: There are times when I might seem distant and forget to inquire how you are. I promise I genuinely care. If I don't ask, it could be because I am dealing with personal challenges and can only manage a limited amount of intense emotions, leading me to withdraw or put up barriers as a coping mechanism.
I am actively addressing this through therapy and other methods, but I've come to understand that inner growth is a continuous journey, not a one-time fix. It's a continuous, evolving process where familiar issues and wounds may resurface periodically.
7.) We’re obsessively focused
At times, I find myself engrossed in particular conversations.
If I see a potential friend in an acquaintance, I may seem very enthusiastic.
When I have a crush (friend or romantic),
Someone has to take the initiative and show persistence. Making friends as an adult can be challenging.
If I fixate a little. I promise I'm not crazy, though my anxiety may suggest otherwise and caution me not to be too intense. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) might kick in and make it weirder.
People with ADHD are often told that they’re “too much” - as in, “too intense” and have feelings that are too big,
8.) With ADHD, friendship takes more effort
It can be particularly challenging for individuals with ADHD to foster and sustain friendships. I’m a good friend, but sometimes I fail. I try to be a supportive friend who is empathetic and knows when to offer advice or simply listen.
I’m empathetic. I tend to know when to give advice and when to shut up and listen to you vent - and I give good advice! I’m fun, funny, and smart.
I want to chat with you over coffee for hours or close the bar (if the bar closes by 10). I want to spend hours saying, “YES! And...” ADHD can make me look selfish or uncaring, and the truth is, sometimes I am selfish, but I always care. I value our friendship, cherish you, love having you in my life, and am grateful for our connection.
9.)I/We beat ourselves up
Any of those things above can result in us beating ourselves up. We forget to call. We double book. We forget your birthday. We said something insensitive. Any of these things can make us feel like a piece of shit. It might bother us more than it bothers you. Years from now, we might remember that time we made that dumb-ass comment, and we will cringe. In the best case, we’ll laugh.
Our sensitivity regarding our perceived failings might or might not be the result of childhood trauma or conditioning.
If you see us obsessing or punishing ourselves, please save us from ourselves. Assure us it’s okay. Show support. If we did fuck up and you’re offended, tell us and let’s resolve it together. Maybe you teach us what not to say. Maybe we reschedule. Help us. If we upset you, we didn’t mean to. If we didn’t upset you and we think we messed up, we’ve got to get over it.
What else I want you to know
Navigating friendships can be a complex endeavour for anyone, but for those of us with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), the challenges can be more prominent.
It’s important to understand that having ADHD doesn't preclude someone from being a good friend; it just means we might approach friendship differently.
Those of us with ADHD often bring a high level of creativity, enthusiasm, and spontaneity to our relationships. These traits can make us incredibly fun and engaging to be around. The key to successful friendships often lies in mutual understanding and patience. Friends aware of the ADHD symptoms can offer support, understanding and flexibility.
Friendship, at its core, is about connection and support, and with understanding and effort, individuals with ADHD can build and maintain fulfilling and lasting friendships.
Bonus
I saw the following on Instagram a few days after publishing this post. It describes women with ADHD:
Stay tuned for part two, where I get more intimate and tell you what you should know about your current or potential romantic partner. It might help you understand your ex better.
