Supporting Your Partner: A Guide to Navigating ADHD in Relationships
[ADHD in Relationships: - Part 1]
In my previous post, "A Guide to Understanding Your Friends with ADHD," I delved into the unique challenges and characteristics that individuals with ADHD bring to friendships and relationships. I discussed issues like object impermanence, time management difficulties, accidental ghosting, and the tendency for tangential conversations. Despite these challenges, I emphasized that people with ADHD often make creative, enthusiastic, and spontaneous friends. The post highlighted the importance of understanding, patience, and open communication in fostering strong connections with ADHD individuals. Today, I'd like to expand on these ideas and explore ADHD within romantic relationships.
Think of it as the care and feeding of your ADHD partner.
This guide might provide insight into your ex’s behaviour. Exes, don’t be too hard on yourself; you did what you could with the information you had. But also, if reading this makes you realize you could have been nicer and more understanding, it might not be too late for an apology.
You might even find it useful if you have ADHD yourself.
Make sure you read the previous section of the manual (the previous post). A relationship is a relationship, so what applies to friendship will also apply to the people we date, whether it’s a casual fling, something serious or in between.
At some point, a couple of months into writing this and over three thousand words, I realized that this itself needs to be a multi-parter. Stay tuned.
Here’s what I want you to know first:
Those of us with ADHD live in our heads.
This means that we ruminate.
Dictionary.com defines “ruminate” as “to obsessively revisit the same thought or theme over and over again.” and “to meditate on; ponder”.
Sources related to behavioural sciences, health, psychiatry and the like position rumination as repetitive and intrusive thoughts about negative experiences, emotions, or events. This behaviour involves cyclic overthinking, where individuals continuously dwell on their issues, focusing on the perceived causes and outcomes without effectively resolving them or reaching closure..
I use the term “ruminate” for overthinking in general and to describe repetitive daydreaming.
Those of us with ADHD are big overthinkers.
Our minds craft narratives. Those mental story-writing sessions can result in heightened levels of anxiety and stress, difficulty focusing on tasks (already a risk), and an increased likelihood of experiencing depression. Moreover, when already dealing with depression, these rumination cycles can become significantly intense, impacting our self-esteem. We lose our minds.
Rumination is a mind-fuck.
Daydreaming and romanticizing
I will daydream and romanticize. It’s common for women with ADHD to quickly develop strong feelings, even if we are aware that it’s a crush.
In some instances, I have mentally played out the entire arc of a relationship in a matter of days, from initial flirtation to dating and all the way to a hypothetical breakup – all within my imagination. Sometimes, I engaged in flirtatious text exchanges, while other times, I didn't even know the person. It was all pure fantasy. I never lost touch with reality.
Insight through rumination
People with ADHD tend to have heightened intuition
It hit me one day that ruminating is like mining for gold in my mind. I sift through lots of detritus (oh, how I like that word) and occasionally find a valuable nugget of insight. Of course, I got an insight about rumination while ruminating!
This mind process applies to my relationships, work, and all aspects of my life.
The profound insights are gifts from my inner self, my soul, and my guides. Not everyone will encounter such experiences. I often take long walks, which heightens my intuition. It is during these walks that I reflect deeply, allowing Source, Spirit et al. to connect with me more freely.
Individuals with ADHD often have strong intuition.
(Plus, I’m a Pisces sun and moon, Scorpio rising - all water, all inuition and dreaminess.)
I’m not advanced enough in my spiritual knowledge that I know the difference between the “voices in my head” but I can tell when it’s my mind and when it’s beyond me.
An example of voice differentiation:
I recall one particular “meditation walk”. I was daydreaming and considering something that I wanted to manifest. I dropped into “that space”, and then the voice, my Guide, spoke up. Emphatically, she assured me, “That’s just a detail. The rest of the conversation went like this:
My mind:
That’s a big detail.
The Guide:
Not really. To humans, yes, but from where I sit, it’s easy. People [do the thing] all the time.
…And this applies to a lot of changes in my life. While dreading my recent breakup, my inner guides gave me reassurances such as, “People break up all the time.” We’re not the first ones going through what we’re going through. People have before and always will, and we’ll be okay.
Another way I differentiate my Mind from my Guides is that my Guides sometimes use words that generally don’t enter my mind. Recently it was the word, “tenderness”. Sometimes, it’s a word that I’m not familiar with and don’t remember hearing; sometimes, it’s a word I don’t even like.
These types of validation settle the repetitive thoughts, which then move on.
It’s important to note that, to some extent, everyone, whether neurodiverse or neurotypical, creates their own reality in their minds. Reality is formed by past experiences and the information we have in the present.
IMPORTANT: How to lessen the harmful effects of rumination
Take responsibility for your thoughts and mental state. We all need to look at the role we play in the conditions of our relationships. We need introspection and self-awareness. Get curious about the voices.
I highly recommend journaling and therapy. Sometimes, we overreact. Sometimes we see things that aren’t there.
If you’re lucky to find the nuggets of insights, take action on them. Those nuggets are gold.
IMPORTANT: What romantic partners can do
If it’s a real, mutual connection, be aware that we ruminate—in the negative “imagining the worst” way—and be patient. Consider the role you play. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Reassure and validate to the extent that is genuine. Be honest.
Remember that regardless of whether a person has ADHD or not, everyone brings past experiences into a relationship. Fears and worries are not necessarily about you.
Object impermanence in romantic relationships
To recap from my last post, object impermanence is, essentially, "out of sight, out of mind”. in order to maintain relationships, we need make the effort.
19-year-old me & the long-distance relationship
Here’s a story about ADHD object impermanence and romantic relationships from my past. I’m not thrilled to share the story, but it also happened nearly 30 years ago:
During my first year of university, I was in a long-distance relationship with a guy one year older than me, whom I met the spring before I left. He was at University “at home.”
While I was away, my boyfriend and I stayed in touch several times a week by email and phone, and there were visits. I intended to move home after my first year and wasn’t very social for the first few months because I didn’t want to get too attached. Several months into the year, I made a good group of friends that I spent a lot of time with. A few of them were roommates in a house and had the “good” parties. Somehow, I became one of the “cool kids” because in university, it was cool to be nerdy “af” (but I’m gen X, so it predated the use of “af”).
The typical university experience includes experimentation of various types: partying, making out, exploration, and so on. It’s part of the university education. Extracurricular activities.
A long-distance relationship did not fit well into that world.
[When I asked AI for suggestions to improve my writing here, it recommended that I change that last sentence to, “The dynamic of a long-distance relationship didn't quite align with the vibrant university environment.” I felt this section would benefit from both versions. Often, I run paragraphs I’ve already written through an AI tool and then either incorporate suggestions or ignore them completely.]
So, although I turned men down, I cheated on that boyfriend on a few occasions, to various degrees, because he wasn’t present. Other possible reasons include all the new experiences I was having (ADHD and novelty), I liked being wanted, and the dopamine hit, but those are for another piece of writing. There will be a part 2.
The lesson here / How to lessen the harmful effects of object permanence
Perhaps long-distance relationships are not ideal for people with ADHD, but that doesn’t mean they’re impossible. Nothing is impossible, and if anyone tells you that you can’t do something because of your ADHD, they can shove it.
ADHD partnerships require another level of care when two people live a distance from one another. Or maybe I was too young to be in a serious relationship.
In the case of me at 19-20, props to his lack of jealousy. He used to tell me, “It doesn’t matter who you dance with as long as you come home with me.” This has nothing to do with ADHD, but going off on a tangent sure does.
What romantic partners can do
I’m going to say this a LOT in this post:
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
That goes for BOTH partners.
Whether object permanence is an issue because of distance, because of time, or some other reason, staying top of mind is important. There are lots of ways you can do this.
Schedule phone calls in your calendar (See #2: “If neither you nor I choose a specific meeting time and it's not on my calendar, it doesn't happen.”);
Virtual date nights. Video calls. Watch movies online together. Nowadays, there are ways to have virtual date nights that were not available to 19 year-old me.
My final notes in the “object permanence” section:
Many of my friends from that time are still in my life even though we’re in different cities. Take THAT, object permanence! They DO still exist.
I can’t spell “permanence” and, naturally, took a break from this to film a TikTok and Instagram video about it.
ADHD and ghosting
What it really means: ADHD and neglect.
This one is especially challenging if both partners have ADHD.
During the several weeks I was drafting this post, I saw the following posted on Instagram by a dating coach:
There is SO much to unpack as the person neglecting and the person being neglected.
The person with ADHD who is neglected/avoided/ignored/ghosted might experience the following:
They wonder why they’re being ghosted. Our friend Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria stops by for a visit to fill in the empty space. Rumination fills in information gaps. All the damn voices have an opinion. Separation anxiety is common in people with ADHD. All sorts of anxieties! Hello, Darkness, my old friend.
If I don’t hear from you, I might wonder why until I talk myself down. Are you accidentally ghosting me or deliberately avoiding or ignoring me? If I do it to you, I’m not thinking about all that.
If the person who disappeared (ghosted) has ADHD:
They get busy and don’t reach out. They forget to call. Object impermanence. They avoid you on purpose. They avoid you by accident. You don’t know.
You often read that if someone is ghosting you, it means that they’re “just not that into you.” and are trying to avoid confrontation or hurting your feelings. I’ve certainly done that to people to avoid hurting feelings.
However, sometimes people go into avoidance mode because they ARE that into you and have big feelings. Feelings can be overwhelming, especially for people with ADHD. Intense emotions overwhelm us. In some cases, emotions are exhausting and result in what is referred to as “emotional hangovers”. Vulnerability is terrifying for anyone, but with ADHD, the intensity can be paralyzing. All these experiences can push people into avoidant behaviour.
Big feelings —> avoidance of feelings —> ghosting.
And then - it’s been a while since you’ve reached out and you start to feel bad about that. You ruminate about it. You wonder whether it’s too late to reach out. Maybe I’ll just avoid that situation a little longer. It’s a vicious cycle.
So what if both partners have ADHD, and one has gone MIA?
If I’m aware of their ADHD, one question in the rumination game is, “Is it object impermanence? If so, does that mean they’ve lost interest?” It’s frustrating because object impermanence does NOT mean losing interest. It means that their focus is elsewhere, and yet, we lose our minds.
Remember when I said that rumination is a mind-fuck? Maybe you don’t. It was 2000 words ago.
What you can do if you feel ghosted
For me, being fully present in the moment is crucial to finding calmness and releasing tension. My anxiety traces back to separation anxiety experienced during infancy and toddlerhood. By acknowledging my feelings in the present moment, I reassure my inner infant and inner child that they will always return. Your story will be different, and I encourage you to discover it.
Depending on the nature and length of the relationship, the impact and how you address it will differ.
Be patient to a point.
Raise your concerns.
Communicate.
Regardless, everyone should be respectful and feel respected.
What can romantic partners can do if they have ghosted someone?
Apologize, mean it, and take corrective action. It’s not too late.
Show yourself some grace. You might feel like an asshole, but we’re all the asshole sometimes. I’ve done it.
Reach out at regular intervals. Be patient with our feelings. Show us YOUR user manual.
Both parties
It’s good to set expectations for the relationship. That includes how often you’ll communicate and see each other, text or call. A few times a week? Twice a month?
This goes for every interpersonal relationship, whether it’s your friend, girlfriend or mom: I think it’s okay to text (or call) back and say, “I don’t have time to talk right now. I’ll [call/text] tomorrow.” Then do it. Some people might think that doing so is even more rude and indicates, “You’re not my priority,” but you know what? Sometimes, you’re not. Sometimes work is the priority, or family or one of the other several commitments you made.
(I’m not an over-committer, but it is a common ADHD trait. It goes with people pleasing, the need to remain busy to avoid boredom, time blindness, and more.)
THOSE are good things to understand about ADHD.
Above all, Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
I’m going to stop here for now. I’ve got another 2000 words drafted. Part 2 gets spicy.
