ADHD and Oversharing
When I was in my late teens, long before I learned about ADHD, my mom once told me that I overshare. I tell people things before I need to.
Many years later, I found out that oversharing is a characteristic of people with ADHD.
The impact of oversharing
Oversharing can be embarrassing for all people involved. It can result in some lingering awkwardness.
Personally, it can lead to feelings of regret and embarrassment once the individual realizes they have shared too much. Socially, it can create discomfort among peers and strain relationships. It’s important to understand that while the oversharer may have good intentions, the lack of a social filter can cloud their judgment about what is appropriate to share.
Why do we overshare?
Impulsivity
People with ADHD tend to speak before thinking it through, which can lead to oversharing. Once we start, our mouths run, and it’s hard to stop because our thoughts flow faster than our ability to filter them.
What someone with ADHD can do instead
It's important to practice pausing and reflecting before speaking to avoid saying things we may regret later.
Hyperfocus
Hyperfocus makes us into the details of topics, especially those we’re most passionate about. When enthusiastic, it can be difficult to keep that enthusiasm and those details to ourselves.
This might cause us to delve deep into the subject matter. We want to share what we know! So, sometimes we overshare with others who may not share the same level of interest in the specifics of our passion.
What someone with ADHD can do instead
Watch for feedback or ask for it. Gauge others' responses to determine if the other person is interested in what you have to say or not. Don’t assume that they are interested or not interested.
The need to connect
When someone opens up about their story, we often reciprocate by sharing our own experiences to forge a connection and demonstrate empathy. Nonetheless, we might say too much, providing details that are too intimate or saying too much.
What someone with ADHD can do instead
Sometimes we need to stay silent. Keep your mouth shut. Focus on the other person and their story. Remember that it’s about them. You can ask if they’d be interested in your perspective.
Lack of boundaries
For some, the boundaries of what constitutes appropriate sharing can be blurry, leading them to reveal intimate details that others might find uncomfortable or inappropriate.
Without clear boundaries in place, individuals with ADHD may unknowingly provide personal trauma or intimate details when we don’t know the person well enough (first date fail?), failing to realize that they are oversharing. These stories we share in an attempt to establish a connection with others may prove to be unsuitable for the present situation.
What someone with ADHD can do instead
Be conscious of what you’re saying and how much. Watch for feedback. Gauge others' responses. Be careful not to provide too much information too soon. Consider how well you know the person.
The desire to want to appear smart
We have all sorts of hangups, including the need for validation of our intelligence, especially if we did poorly in school or felt less-than because of learning difficulties. The school system isn’t set up for neurodiverse people who learn differently - at least, it wasn’t.
Sometimes, we might say more to sound smart and show that we know our shit.
What someone with ADHD can do instead
It might be perfectly okay to overshare. You can also ask, “Would you like to know about…?”
Overall, what can you do if you tend to overshare?
Listen to the other person. Be attentive. Ask questions. Keep your mouth shut. Don’t offer details to someone you don’t have a rapport with—or do. Sometimes, this is how we bond. Just be conscious of it.
What to do if someone is oversharing with you
Be understanding and patient.
If someone is oversharing information with you, gently let them know it's too much by expressing gratitude for their trust. For example, you can say, "Thank you for confiding in me." Then, switch to a different topic. If necessary, politely excuse yourself from the conversation.
Overall, be kind to yourself and others. If you tend to share too much, be understanding with yourself. People often speak without thinking. It's normal to feel embarrassed, but in most cases, people move on from it. Try not to dwell on these moments and, if you can, turn them into amusing stories for later because years from now, you might remember it, and you don’t want to experience the pain again.
