ADHD and Physical Intimacy: A Guide to Navigating Sex and Relationships
[ADHD in Relationships: Part 3]
Welcome to Chapter 4 of the ADHD User Manual, a guide for individuals with ADHD and those who care about them. I refer to this as a "user manual" or "instruction manual" because, unlike gadgets, people don’t come with one—but maybe they should. This resource is what everyone should know about living with ADHD.
Chapter 1: A Guide to Understanding Your Friends with ADHD
Chapter 2: Supporting Your Partner: A Guide to Navigating ADHD in Relationships (ADHD and Romantic Relationships, part 1)
Chapter 3: Navigating ADHD in Romantic Relationships: Insights and Strategies (ADHD and Romantic Relationships, Part 2)
Chapter 4: This one.
In my previous post, I explored several important aspects of ADHD in romantic relationships:
Habituation: The ADHD brain's craving for novelty can lead to taking partners for granted or seeking excitement elsewhere.
Emotional Immaturity: Difficulties in expressing emotions and setting boundaries can strain relationships.
Decision Paralysis: The struggle to make choices, even simple ones, can frustrate both partners.
Over-stimulation: Sensory sensitivities can impact date nights and social situations.
I discussed strategies for both ADHD individuals and their partners to navigate these challenges, emphasizing communication, understanding, and adaptability.
This next post will delve into another crucial aspect of romantic relationships for individuals with ADHD: sex and intimacy.
Sex is confusing enough for neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals. For couples dealing with ADHD, you might have specific challenges to address so that you both have a pleasurable experience.
Common Challenges Couples Face
Couples where one or both partners have ADHD face issues, including Sensory Processing Disorder, distraction, impulsivity, distractibility, and difficulty with emotional regulation, all of which may affect communication, connection, and sexual intimacy.
Sensory issues
In part 2, I discussed over-stimulation. This is closely related to sensory issues.
Many people with ADHD have sensory issues. They might be over or undersensitive to stimuli like sounds, scents, textures, temperature or lights, significantly impacting their daily functioning and interactions.
Cologne/perfume, laundry detergent, soap and shampoo are all scents that can cause headaches or aversion.
I have an aversion to the smell of breath and the taste of mouth. I have a theory: If my partner’s mouth tastes neutral to me, it’s a good sign that I’m with the right person.
It is unsexy to be making out with someone but not be able to tolerate their smell or taste. Of course, it’s not just their mouth. body odour and taste from head to toe.
And touch—giving and receiving—can be too much. The intensity of certain touch pressure on various body parts (not just the “sexual” ones—it could be the tickle of an arm or back scratch) and the intensity of coital positions can be too much. Light touch can be overstimulating, but sometimes, that’s what we want.
I will NOT bump bodies with a man who has a chain around his neck if it’s long enough to touch me while we’re going at it. If I’m watching a romantic scene on TV or in a movie, and one person’s neck jewelry touches the other person, I get the creeps. It’s a sensory reflex.
Not just about sex
Although I like my hair to be long, it is usually tied in a ponytail. One reason is that if a random strand touches my skin, I feel like I have a bug crawling on my body. Sometimes I jolt because I think something is on my leg before I realize it’s a strand of hair from my head.
I sometimes say I’m like “The Princess and the Pea” because I feel everything beneath me.
We don’t like all activities, all the time
A female friend with ADHD once told me that there are certain “activities” she doesn’t enjoy because of her sensory issues. She didn’t provide details, but it’s a valid point.
It might seem like we’re not enjoying ourselves when we are, or we might fake it or exaggerate.
“Faking it”, is a form of masking.
What you can do if you have sensory issues that affect your romantic life
Communicate. Please communicate.
Examples of ways to communicate:
Tell your partner what you like and don’t like. Simple.
If something doesn’t feel good, say so. If something feels good, say so.
Show your partner what you like. Guide their hand or use your own.
Be patient with yourself. As soon as something feels off, our nervous system freaks out, and we tighten up (literally). Sometimes, our bodies don’t cooperate when our minds enthusiastically think, “YES!
Other ways to make the activity more pleasurable:
Know your body.
Be with the right person and consider whether you’re with the wrong one. (Oh wait, you’ve been ruminating over that, right?)
If you’re a woman, consider lubrication methods (coconut oil is great, unless there’s latex or silicone involved, in which case you want water-based or aloe-based lubricant).
What partners every single human engaging in acts of intimacy can do: Ask for feedback. Start with consent and then check in to see how things feel. Watch for indications of displeasure, such as grimacing, recoiling or yelps of pain. Watch and listen for signs of pleasure. If anything seems off, STOP.
Distractions and arousal
Over the weeks it took to write this blog post, I read the book, “How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind” by Todd Baratz. I paused in the middle of the chapter about sex to take notes about the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, which relates to ADHD and sexual response.
The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, developed by John Bancroft & Erick Janssen, reflects the idea that sexual response in individuals is the product of a balance between excitatory and inhibitory processes. The model uses a car as a metaphor: The accelerator/gas (excitement/arousal) and the breaks (inhibition). Every person uses both pedals to a different degree in any particular sexual situation. If you’re interested, here’s a video about the Dual Control Model featuring animated dogs on YouTube.
‘The moment I knew I had to incorporate Baratz’s book into this post was when I read the following:
“I have a very sensitive brake system, and even small distractions make me less interested. Someone could say the wrong word or make silly noises, and I’d be immediately turn off. And aromas? Forget about it! I’m the most reactive to odors.”
[Italics his, bold mine.] What??
He proceeds to share that his sensitivity was reduced and almost disappeared once he got into his relationship with is ex partner, with whom he “a wonderful sexual connection.” He says, “I felt attended to both sexually and, more important, emotionally.” After the breakup, he regressed sexually.
In other words, when he was with the right person, his usual turn-offs were less of an issue. When he had the right connection with a man, he felt safe.
As I said above, “If their mouth tastes neutral to me, it’s a good sign that I’m with the right person.” And who doesn’t like validation?
What we can do as people with ADHD
Communicate
What a partner can do
The same is true for sensory issues. Every single human engaging in sexual acts must ask for feedback. Watch for indications of displeasure.
Be attentive to body language and verbal cues. Ask for feedback. Ask if something feels good and then watch for clues that the yes is a yes. I mean, EVERY person should seek enthusiastic consent, but this is slightly different. When consent is there, but the move feels slightly off, there must be communication about it. (Again, with every person, but this is an ADHD context.)
And here’s the final piece of advice I have for you, at least for the time being:
Sometimes, we’re not nice
We all have moments where we could be more mindful. If you ask, “Am I the a**hole?” Sometimes, the answer is a resounding “Yes”. We can be clueless, rude, cruel and terrible without realizing it or meaning to. Everyone can be a jerk.
Don’t think you need to accept it simply because of our neurological differences.
If you’re on the receiving end, let the other person know how you feel. If you’re the asshole, apologize. We don’t get a pass. Our differences are a reason, not an excuse.
Conclusion
Understanding ADHD and its impact on romantic relationships involves recognizing how the unique traits of ADHD can influence a romantic relationship. ADHD can bring challenges such as impulsivity, distractibility, and difficulty with emotional regulation, all of which may affect communication, connection, and sexual intimacy. However, these challenges don’t define the relationship. By fostering awareness and empathy, couples can navigate these hurdles, creating a stronger, more intimate bond through mutual understanding and proactive strategies.
Thank you for reading. What else do you want to know?
Reach out.
